The following is an extract from an audio call between talent agent Enytnel Avhsalf and a reporter for the Chandrila Tonight news broadcaster.
Luke Skywalker.
Leia Organa.
Jyn Erso.
Throughout galactic history, there have been individuals who have risen to the great challenges of their time. They are the heroes who defy tyrants, topple empires and stand as lone beacons of hope against insurmountable darkness. Their names are known from the farthest reaches of Wild Space right down to the deep core of the Coruscant underworld.
And now, there is a new hero ready to join their ranks. He is Flash Valentyne, hero of the Rebel Alliance and piloting extraordinaire.
Hm? What's that you say?
You've never heard of Flash Valentyne? Come now, surely you jest.
Really? I don't believe you.
Fine, if you insist.
Flash Valentyne is only the greatest hotshot revolutionary pilot the galaxy has ever seen and a galactic social media powerhouse. His faultless bravery and daring anti-Imperial stunts have wowed the galaxy since Luke Skywalker was still farming moisture back on Tatooine. Did you know he single-handedly disabled an Imperial Star Destroyer at the Battle of Hoth, paving the way for the Rebel Alliance to make their escape whilst live-streaming the action to his 6.3 billion followers on HoloGram? Or that he ran the blockade of Lothal without a wingmate (I'll send you a link for the subscriber-exclusive holo-clip, sponsored by Incom)? Or perhaps you heard about his little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab?
Yes, I suppose it is rather hard to believe that one person could hold so much talent - but some people are just born for greatness. It is not our job to cast doubt on these heroes - we just need to give them the recognition they deserve.
And sure, there are always going to be those detractors who try to belittle such awe-inspiring achievements. Like those so-called "experts" who claimed to find evidence of holo-tampering in that clip of me - ahem, I mean Flash - emerging victorious in a dogfight with the entirety of Inferno Squadron at the Battle of Endor.
Such bitter jealousy has no place in our mainstream galactic media. Does it bother him though? No, of course not. It takes more than a few "verified allegations" at the New Republic Anti-Fraud Bureau to shake a man like Flash Valentyne. He's more than happy to refute these accusations by agreeing to officially join the New Republic Starfighter Corps. In fact, it was his idea - and any suggestion that it is a desperate attempt to avoid a crippling lawsuit is frankly absurd.
I - I mean he - can't wait to get started. He...he's certainly not scared of facing those Imps in battle, that's for sure. Crippling fear and bladder-weakening anxiety is for normal folks, not Flash Valentyne.
No sir...not him...
End of extract.